Keeping the Fire Away From My Face From Now On

Because it's Saturday night and I told this guy I would head out on the town though I don't want to because I am anxious and timid and just want real friends that I don't have to pretend I'm having fun with, I have been playing with matches for the last 50 minutes.

I'm having fun with combination burns and delayed secondary-flare effects and stuff when I decide to grip a match with my teeth so it's poking out of my mouth like a hick toothpick and light that bitch with the flame from another match. And people, it was fucking TERRIFYING. How do you smokers do that? I never thought about that before - there's FIRE and it's on its way to your NOSE, then your brainpan probably after. FEAR!

Furthermore: In the USA I have friends who are reliably weird, and this makes me feel free to do whatever. I have one friend who, if you tell him to try to flag down a taxi by waving his bare dick at it, he will say "it's me" and do it because he is a crazy bastard. I have one friend who really enjoyed shooting at everybody's feet during high school archery and we still like him anyway. I have one friend who graffitied my house once with the words INADEQUATE PANTS and actually stole a five foot tall replica of Ralph Nader's head. I have one friend who is a girl now even though she wasn't a girl before and the biggest problem with it is pronouns. I have one friend who helped me out of a rough spot one night by THROWING a baby past my line of sight and into a closed door and then following himself (also airborne), landing ON said baby and then doling out righteous physical punishment to the thing. I should note that this was a DOLL baby, a model baby if you will, but it did have a bullseye painted on its ass in red.

When you've got these sorts of people around, you tend not to worry about how weird you are because hey, weird is already covered.

But when they're gone? Well, I, for one, don't really know exactly how to deal with people that are perfectly nice and normal. I keep waiting for somebody to throw a baby here in France, but it hasn't happened yet.