Friday, June 23, 2006

The Don't Be A Stupid Cockface Act

We have a real problem with stupid cockfaces in our society, not least in government:
* "We've found the weapons of mass destruction."
* "That depends on what your definition of 'is' is.

Okay, we all hate it, but they keep doing it. Why? They can get away with it. All they have to endure is a few scathing editorials in the Washington Post and then the public will move on to something else, leaving the offending stupid cockface unscathed.

In other words, in our society there's no real punishment for being a stupid cockface.

I hereby propose a remedy: let's make it a crime to be a stupid cockface. Maybe not a felony, but a punishable, permanent-record crime. Let's have the punishment be a total loss of public respect, a fine that stings pretty hard, and the Stupid Cockface label, a sort of unsheddable scarlet letter of idiocy.

Great, but how do we choose who gets nailed with Stupid Cockface status? Easy, we outsource the job to Walter Cronkite. Or rather, we create a Stupid Cockface Czar, appointed by and answerable only to the American people. This person must be perceived as a wise and neutral person who will not abuse power. The Cockface Czar only needs to designate a Stupid Cockface, then the local magistrate or whoever assesses a fine and applies the Scarlet Letter of Shame.

One Stupid Cockface rooted out and punished, and a whole class of people a little more nervous about crossing that line into doublespeak or preempting the World Cup because it's raining two counties over or changing laws to make sure that child labor is legal in U.S. possessions or whatnot.

What if the Czar goes off the reservation, though, and designates Willie Mays (for example) a stupid cockface? Clearly this isn't right, and the people are going to know it. This is where the national referendum comes in. The only way to overturn a Stupid Cockface designation is by a two-thirds majority in a national vote. If this vote succeeds in overturning the S.C. status, then the Czar loses his or her post and is automatically branded a Stupid Cockface. The people then choose another Czar, and we all resume business as usual.

Won't it be nice to have this in place for the next time Rick Santorum holds a press conference to announce that we've found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq two years after we stopped looking? Or for when Paris Hilton publishes her first book of poetry?

I think we needed this act decades ago. Who can we get to sponsor this in Congress?


At 11:55 AM, Blogger Julie said...

This is an exceptional idea. I'm sure wangs nationwide approve!

At 5:36 PM, Anonymous cathy said...

It's going to be hard to find congressional support for this, considering how stupid cockfaces have an uncontested majority in both houses.

At 1:05 PM, Anonymous EVIL said...

Perhaps if we add a rider on the bill to end women's sufferage in states that begin with the letter Q (or some equally worthless, but press-worthy tidbit), then we can get it passed.

Or better yet, make the worthless bit the bill, and then add the cockface rider on to it.

Sometimes in order to beat a stupid cockface, you need to think like one. Due to my experiences in the business world, I am unfortunately suited to the task.

So who wants to fund my campaign to run for congress?

At 3:21 PM, Anonymous EVIL said...

Stupid Cockface Alert!

At 10:06 AM, Anonymous cathy said...

I've thought on about this, and what we really need to do is amend the Don't Be A Stupid Cockface Act so that anyone who votes against the act is, immediately upon passage, branded a Stupid Cockface.

Then, we introduce the bill shortly before the upcoming election, since they'll all be too afraid to be branded Stupid Cockfaces.

Imagine a campaign where your opponent could get on television and declare you a Stupid Cockface and not be mud-slinging, but rather just stating a legal fact. Nobody would want that. Not even the Stupid Cockfaces in Congress.

At 5:28 PM, Blogger Julie said...


So many Stupid Cockfaces, so little time.


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